A Visitor for Bear

One of my favorite times of the day is when we are piled up on our chair or couch with a stack of books around us. Most recently we were reading a book called, "A Visitor for Bear" written by Bonny Becker. The illustrations are beautifully done and the story is really sweet. My heart was convicted as I read it. I suppose sometimes I don't slow down enough for the Lord to show me my heart and it's tendencies, but this book stopped me.

There is a grumpy bear that doesn't care for visitors. He is so very against visitors that he has even nailed a sign to his door. There is, however, a little mouse. The mouse is small and gray and bright-eyed. The bear is furious that this mouse continues to completely ignore his disdain for visitors. The mouse keeps appearing and each time the bear chases him out, he goes one step further in keeping the mouse out. He firmly locks the door, boards the windows shut, stopped up the chimney and even plugged the drain in the tub. He did not want company! Eventually the mouse wears the bear down and he allows the mouse to stay for a bit of cheese and a cup of tea. Fair enough. As they share this small time the bear begins to open up, he begins sharing jokes and tricks. He begins to soften and enjoy the company. In fact, when it is time for the mouse to leave, he begs him to stay. What happened to the bear?

He was pursued. The mouse didn't care. The mouse didn't stop at a locked door or a boarded window. Even the stopped up tub didn't phase him. I loved it. I won't tell you anymore, because it really is a precious read, I will say that the change in bear challenged me. I wondered, "Lord, is there anyone that has locked their doors, sealed their chimney, or even stoppered their tub that needs a friend?" Is there someone, somewhere that has a joke to tell by a warm fire and no one to share it with? Is there someone who can do a headstand and no one is there to watch it? Who are they Lord? Who are they and where are they? Please let me see them. Please don't let me be afraid of their barred windows and locked doors.

You see, all of us lock the doors at some point. All of us stopper the tub hoping to keep someone, or something out. As Jesus pursued me...and continues to pursue me I have to pull those nails out of the boards one at a time. Each time a bit more sunlight shines through the window. A bit more daylight warms the cold areas of my heart where I would not allow someone. As He pursues me, I pray that I would be bold enough to pursue others. To ask how people are doing, and wait for a response. I pray that I would sit and listen to stories that I may have heard before. I pray that I wouldn't mock the lonely spirit that wanders into a conversation to which they were not included. I pray that my eyes would be open and aware...looking for the souls that are locked up tight. Perhaps there is a sign on their heart, "No Visitors Allowed." I pray that I would look past that sign, ignore it all together and let them know that I am not a visitor. Visitors come and leave quickly. No, I don't want to visit. I don't want someone to put their best face on and clean up because they know they are having a "visitor." I hope that God would make me into a person that is more than a visitor, something more like a friend.

How about you? Are you the bear? Shut up nice and tight in the safety of your own world, but lonely and longing for a friend to share your life with? Or are you the mouse? Small and gray and bright-eyed that just wants to share a bit of cheese and a cup of tea? I think we are all a little bit of both, perhaps we would all make wonderful friends.

"A friend loves at all times." Proverbs 17:17

Winter Wonderland

Snow? Here? YES!!!

The Weather folks predicted it...we all laugh when we hear it. "We're expecting about ____ inches of snowfall." We still make a trip to the store and get a few things that we'll be needing. For us it was milk, ice-cream and frozen pizza. I know...real essentials. We had a blast. I will say a southern snow is the best of both worlds. You get the beauty of a white world, the canceling of everything so you can enjoy your family, and then it goes away! It started yesterday and fell steady into the evening. The kids ran around to every window to watch it fall and then pulled the curtains apart to stare at it while they drifted off to sleep. This morning they were begging to go outside, we held them off for a while and finally wrapped hands and feet in plastic, grabbed the most "snow-friendly" gear we could find, and we headed out. When we wandered into the woods the kids said that it was just like Narnia before the White Witch was dethroned! The girls and I came in first and started on some "snow-cream." My friend Jo posted it on her blog and I thought, "How fun. I'll never have the chance." How happy to have had the chance. It was pretty good. It had the consistancy of Chick-fil-A's ice cream. Our neighbor came over and the boys built a fort while the girls snuggled in my bed for some Saturday shows. Then, the laundry piled up (honestly it's been lingering...I'm struggling with it lately!) and the snow melted. Perfect. Our family up north is pretty much locked in their homes due to the snow...I know they don't love the heat...or the bugs...but I gotta say that a southern snow beats a northern snow hands down!!! Spring anyone? Enjoy the pictures!

Blog Surfing...and other rambles

I was just surfing around and noticed I was getting into dangerous territory. There are people out there that take amazing vacations with their amazing money with their amazing figures. I have to be careful...I've got some pretty amazing things around here to. So, I figured while my amazing husband was snuggling with our amazing 3 year old I'd write some of these amazing people that read this blog.

Ella (the amazing 3 year old) has a cough. It's not so bad during the day, but at night...it's making us NUTS! Twice this week I slept in her bed to help her calm down when it woke her up, and one night Mike slept with her. I think I was becoming a bit, shall we say, dramatic. The second night that I had given up my snuggly spot in my bed to snuggle with a coughing and REALLY dramatic 3 year old my feelings got incredibly hurt. I had gotten Ella water, I'd been shooting up to help her calm down all through the night. I was exhausted. Do you know what that little curly headed crazy woman had the nerve to do? She called for her FATHER!!! I was so mad. Speaking to her as though she were an adult I said, "Are you kidding me? I'm right here!" I was so offended I thought, "Yeah, go get Daddy. He'll be groggy and confused and won't be near as helpful as me. While you're up, Sugar-Pie, ask him to show you his stretch marks. What? He doesn't have any? Well, ask him to show you where we keep the toilet cleaner or the candy that you eat after lunch. What? You say he doesn't know what you're talking about? That's because I'm the one making the biggest sacrifices here! I'm the one! Look at me...call out to ME!!!" That was a lot of talking to myself in the middle of the night, huh? Gotta talk to someone when you are the only one awake besides the wacko that won't speak to you because you aren't Daddy. Hurt. Really hurt. I almost left, then I remembered that I was the adult. Durn.

The other night I was doing the dishes, for a change actually, Mike's been doing them a lot lately...I think it's all me tonight though...there they sit and there he sleeps...anyway...dishes, I was washing the dishes and the Lord brought that to my mind. I was hoping that He was going to agree with me that I was the way better sacrificer and martyr and should be nominated for Mother of the Year...or something. Instead He said, "You do the same thing." Hmmmm. Me? "Yup. You." I ponder how that is possible. Then I saw it. When days are long and patience are short, I call for other things. I call for other people, other objects. There's Jesus, my precious Savior right next to me...again...and I am wildly out of control calling for someone or something else. I see, Jesus. "Yes, I know. You see because I have shown it to you." Sorry. "I know. I love you. I'm here. Stay calm. Cry out...and when you do, cry out to me."

Check. Who am I crying out to? Do I pick up the phone or demand that Mike stop everything to hear what I'm working through. Who do I speak to when I feel sad or left out or out of control? Lord, please help me.

The flip side of that is I'm training my children to call out to their Father. Not Mike, they will find out one day that he does fall short. I want them to consult me, but when it comes down to it, cry out their Heavenly Father, knowing that in their time of need He is the One that is Mighty to Save. Lord, help us if we ever believe that we can love our children better than you. Draw them near, hold them tight, and help us to point to You.

An unrelated comment that stopped me in my tracks. The other night Mike was going out to check on something and they wanted to know where he was going. It had been really loud in the house and he said, with a huge smile on his face, "I'm leaving...don't follow me." Writing that sounds so harsh, it was said in jest be assured. Do you know what Anson's response was, "Julia, he's totally kidding. Dads never say that." Oh, Anson...YOURS WILL NEVER SAY THAT! Daddy's do. Lord, help Daddy's stay. Help Daddy's work things out with Mommy's. Rescue marriages in America. Remind me, Lord, that what we have here is by Your grace and for Your glory.

I better get to the dishes. It just wouldn't do for my man do have dishpan hands, now would it? Maybe???

Play!

This is hard to keep up with! I do love to write...unfortunately many things stay in my head. Crowding stuff! Here's a little blogella.

I never learned how to read or play music. I took a little bit of guitar and sang in chorus, but never learned how to read music. In fact, thinking back, I suppose I faked it a bit in chorus because we did those "sight reading" things and I just pretended. Interesting. So, like any Mom trying to redeem her own childhood, my children are learning to read music. As many of you know we've played the tin whistle a bit, and we are now taking recorder classes. Feel free to hum Hot Cross Buns right about...now. Isn't that the only thing most of us learned? It makes me giggle. So, I did buy myself a recorder, just like I bought myself a tin whistle. I'm going to learn, too!

The nights that I remember for all of us to practice is fun for me. The kids want to hear themselves play, but I want to play, too! One evening I noticed that Julia was blowing with her cheeks, which meant that she wasn't using her tongue to stop the notes, but her breath. I gently corrected her and we moved on. She is really good at recognizing the notes and playing them properly. She sits up straight, left hand on top...she's good.

A few days later at practice I looked up at her and got a sneaking suspicion that she wasn't playing. I crawled over to her chair to listen and guess what, "I was right!" She wasn't blowing. She was sitting straight up, hands properly positioned on the recorder, looking straight at her Coach, and...nothing. I leaned in and said, "Play, Jules. Play." She shook her head and began to blow.

Hmmmm. There are many places I could go with this. First I am thinking I want to be sure that I don't freak my kids out to the point of not playing. Julia is a perfectionist and I can imagine that she didn't want to make a mistake and be "found out." I need to be sure that she knows screwing up is part of the rules! That's why there is Jesus. So, there's the mental note of parenting, then there is this...

I know the right things to do. I know the right things to say. However, sometimes my heart isn't fully engaged. I'm just not playing. Sometimes when people make comments about me that are very kind, I just think, "You have no idea. That I wasn't even playing that day you saw me." I don't want to be like that. You know what folks like that are called? Jesus called them Pharisees. We call them hypocrites. Our minds are engaged but our hearts are out to lunch, maybe even reviewing our scripture memory for all the world to see.

So, here's the thing. It happens. We just flip into auto pilot and we stay there. We look the part. We show up, we sing, we know the verbage, but our hearts are far. So, do we quit? Do we stop taking recorder? You may have a different answer, but I simply repented. I asked the Lord to change my heart and help me to be engaged. Help me to play. Help me to play even if I am holding a whole note while everyone else is playing a quarter note. Help me play even if I'm playing G when everyone else is playing B. God, just let me play.

It's an absolute privilege to be used by God in any capacity. I don't want to fake it. I want to play. I don't have to be first chair. I just want to make some noise for His glory and in His name. I think He's OK with that. I'm thankful, because nothing brings me more joy than playing for Him.

How about you? Is your head in the game? Or your heart?

My Broken Runs Deep

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***I wrote this several days ago and have been unsure of whether I should post it. More than anything I never want anyone to misunderstand my struggle. I never want anyone to think I'm not grateful or thankful for this life, my life, that I've been given. However, this is something I deal with, a wound that runs deep that effects me in many ways. So, I hope this Cup helps you get to know me, and maybe help you. Blessings,
Ali



It was glorious! Cold on the outside, but all bundled up we were warm beneath our layers. Warm enough to stay in the snow for several hours laughing and playing with our family. This was our year to head up north for Christmas. My husband's entire family is about 2 hours from my Dad and Pam, so we take 10 days (sometimes more, sometimes less) and visit our family. This year we followed the blizzard, so where we weren't stuck in the snow, we were stuck on the road. Mike stuck it out 16 hours and we finally talked our van up Dad's newly shoveled driveway. We were thrilled!

My sister and her family made their way to Dad's the next day and she came bearing all of the gear necessary to endure the cold. Georgia cold is different from Pennsylvania cold, and so are the necessities. We needed gear that could get wet. She didn't let us down! Everyone looked adorable! The first day I remember saying, "This is the day we'll remember." It was one of those days that just treats you. The attitudes were grateful, the company... family...functioning...everyone was involved, laughing. I love thinking about it. Yet, in the bottom of my heart I felt a twinge of sadness. Not everyone was there. Strange. Count them up...yes, we are here indeed. Hm.

The next day we headed out again. The track for the sled was a bit icy, so the ride was faster...better. It was sweet. Ella, the shortest of the small ones, needed to go inside...too late. Durn. I better get her changed. I wasn't sure what to do so I stripped her down and set her inside the door so I could remove my shoes. I heard his voice, alarmed and booming...my mind became rattled and I was very young again. He was scared because he didn't see me, and only a naked Ella. A naked Ella and a VERY large puppy scared him. He didn't mean to scare me. He only reacted. So did I. Ella was worked up I pulled her from my sister and headed upstairs, hot and upset, to get her cleaned up and dressed. She wouldn't stop crying. Then I couldn't stop. "Why are you crying? Stop!" She begged me. It was too late, the scab had been pulled and my wounded heart was bleeding. She began using her sleeves to dry my eyes, I couldn't pull it together and I wasn't sure why. I couldn't stop the tears. The tears ran from my eyes and I couldn't help but think my heart was bleeding harder. My broken, 5 year old heart. What happened?

I knew if I stayed upstairs it wouldn't get better. I pulled it together as best I could and headed downstairs. He immediately came to me. "What's the matter?" He always gets nervous around tears. "Nothing. It's just dumb." "No, tell me...what is the matter?" I looked at him, he's always been so strong to me. So big. Now that his hair is gray I realize that he was only human afterall. His eyes are blue like my brother and sister...mine green like my mother. I cry now, thinking of that moment. "It's just that, it's just that sometimes I'm really happy with the way things turned out and sometimes, sometimes I'm just really sad. Today, I'm really sad." I tried to explain through my stifled cry, tears burning through my swollen eyes that I wanted her to enjoy this day. She is far from the snow. Far from this life. Always, everything was always so far. He was far from the heat. From the daily grind...from the birthdays, the proms...I didn't know he was human. I didn't know he knew he was far. "What do you mean?" He tried not to roar, he knows I'm the sensitive one. "She's always welcome here, call her." "I don't want her." I tried to explain. I just didn't want the distance anymore. "I'll be fine." I felt like I needed a bandage. Like any minute someone would notice that my clothes were bloodstained from years of being fine. I'm not fine. I'm broken. This is broken.

There was a cordial quietness for the remainder of the day. Words had been spoken. Not foolish or cruel, but honest and real. Those are the hardest to move. They will not fit inside a drawer or file folder. They cannot be cleaned off or out of the ears that they fell on. They remain, lingering, begging to be handled carefully. Darkness fell early, as it does this time of year and I was walking through the kitchen. I couldn't help but grabbing him, pulling him near and apologizing for "freaking out." "It's O.K honey", he whispered. "No one likes it, but it's something we have to get over." I laughed. Really? Get over it? He noticed the unspoken words and revised, "Get through it." I think he was bleeding too.

All this time. I didn't know it. All this time I thought we were the only humans. I was wrong.

I hesitate always in sharing how difficult divorce is on me. I hesitate because from the bitter fruit there was a sweetness. The sweetness has a name...new family. My step-parents, my sisters...God, in His goodness didn't leave us stranded and alone. I never want those people who would have never been included in my life had things not happened the way they did to feel as though I don't love them or cherish their love in my life. It's a double edged sword. Longing for what never was, yet never in a million years being willing to trade what is. How do you deal with that emotion? It's a secret (or it was...thanks internet) that as children we stuff down. We tell ourselves that it is what it is...suck it up. Then we have children.

This has been an incredible year. We have enjoyed many wonderful trips as a family. This November I said to Mike, "You four do not realize how good you have it." He was a bit confused until I explained further..."you enjoy this like everyone has this. Everyone has family vacations full of books and laughter. Not so." My heart is sad for what the 5 people missed. Our lives are full, again, I hesitate...but it is, well, broken. Deep. Only a Savior can stop the bleeding. Good thing that I know such a Savior. Even better that my Savior knows me.

Merry Christmas!

“He’s here! He’s here! Look, guys, he’s finally here!”

This has been a year for babies! Some of my closest friends have had their first baby this year, and several have had subsequent babies that we’ve been waiting on. I find it so exciting to wait on a baby. I never waited on mine (I think we’d still be waiting) so I enjoy the wait. I check my e-mail, and ask around, “Have you heard anything?” I almost always cry. To finally look at that face and decide who the child resembles (sometimes it looks like a grumpy old man, though!). One birth, in particular impacted me. I won’t go into the details, but I had the privilege of attending the birth of my best friend’s fourth baby. My friend waits on her babies. There is no talk of induction. She waits. Everyday it was a question, “Will today be the day?” For several days it wasn’t. Finally, when we least expected it…he was here! The siblings were jerked from a very sound sleep so they wouldn’t miss this long expected and much anticipated arrival. What pure joy! Everyone counted toes and smelled his soft baby hair and rejoiced that at last he was here. All my friend kept repeating was, “Look, guys, he’s here! He’s finally here!”
It makes me think of another baby that was rejoiced over. For hundreds of years the people of God waited on their Deliverer. They waited on the King that would rescue them from their bondage to the law and their slavery to sin. The people waited and waited and attempted to induce God with plans of their own. Still, he waited until the time was just right. He waited until everything was exactly as it should be and then… My mind pictures a sky lit up by the stars that were expecting the birth. I imagine it was still, other than the normal sounds of animals in the evening. I picture Mary’s eyes opening for the first time after a long and focused labor as she grips The Promise and gazes up at Joseph and these words fall from her parched lips, “Look, He’s finally here.” We see how the heavens rejoiced as they announced to the Shepherds that they should get moving because He was here. Ah, yes. He is here, indeed. Emanuel, God with us.
Now, we didn’t have any babies this year, and our babies aren’t babies anymore, but they get better and better every year. Here’s a little picture:
Anson is 7 and in the 1st grade. This is our first year of Classical Conversations, which is our co-op and he is thriving…we all are, actually! His favorite things are Legos, books and more Legos! He is an amazing brother and an excellent student…not to mention son. It’s been a sweet year.
Julia turned 5 this year and it’s a little hard to believe. She is growing up beautifully and although she’s considered Pre-K (the problem with home schooling is we’re never sure what grade they are really in  ) she’s reading some books on her own and I cannot believe that I have 2 readers in the house. She’s a hard worker and refuses to give up, or let Anson be better than she is. She is fast on her feet and she just might be the athlete. She is extremely attentive to details and always notices my jewelry. She’s a girl through and through and I LOVE IT!
Ella, Ella, Ella. Now, Ella, is “flea” years old. She is absolutely adorable with her curly blond hair and very subtle speech imperfections. “Plobably we should read this mazagine clickly.” You can figure out that she’s saying, “Probably we should read this magazine quickly.” It’s just so cute and subtle. When asked what she should say to my Uncle after leaving his office she looked at her feet and said, “Sorry.” The correct response was, “Thank You!” Pretty revealing as to what she’s learning!!! Her ability to memorize and retell information is unmatched and when people ask what I do with her while the others are “schooling” I say, “Let her be in the room!” She’s precious to us and I don’t know what we would be without her.
Mike and I are growing as parents and as husband and wife. Sometimes we look at each other and wonder what we did with ourselves for that short time when we didn’t have children. He continues to serve as a P.E. teacher and learn how to honor God with everything that he does. I continue to fold clothes and plan meals. That’s what I call “Livin’ la vida loca!” I’m learning what the word “enough” means and loving that God promises that He will always be and provide enough. I’m also thoroughly enjoying the fact that God is redeeming my education. I am learning so much! So far my favorite is the Tin Whistle. If you’re lucky (or unlucky, depending on how you look at it) you’ll get a little concert. We feel the breath of God breathing life into our everyday, normal stuff…all because, “He’s here!”
May His very precious promises and His presence carry you through another year.

“Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ the Lord.” Luke 2:10. Even the angels said it, “Look guys, HE’S HERE!”