A Heartbeat.

“Hey Mrs. Wessner, we got your numbers here and where they should double every 48-72 hours, yours actually dropped a little bit.” Hm. I thought this might happen. Not because it ever has, but because I know it can. I am resolved to follow Jesus Christ with no question, so I bravely ask, “So, what should I do?” She responds that I will be “fit-in” first thing in the morning to be sure that this sweet blessing is “viable.” I told Mike that I was afraid of that and he nods…unmoved. Getting to this point did not come easily for either of us. I have known that someone has been missing, and Mike was slower to believe me. We suffered (rather I suffered) 3 years of self-inflicted infertility. This summer God changed Mike’s heart, and now we were headed to the Dr. for the fourth time to check on our newest treasure.

I had the e-mail written in my head. “Dear Friends, blah blah blah…we were early and we miscarried. God has been faithful and we are sad, but not without hope. We love you….” I just need to be prepared for the worst. So, this morning I awoke early (although I stayed in bed) and finally got moving and took the dog out for our (mostly regular) walk. As I walked up the street in the quiet of the new day I just whispered, “Lord, I just want to know that Your hand is in this.” He very sweetly whispered to me in the solitude of our time, “Ali, My hand is in everything.” “Yes, Sir, thank you. I love that about you!” With great peace I got breakfast ready and got myself ready for the appointment that no mother, with children or not, wants to attend. I just wanted to send a substitute to bear the brunt of the news. Mike left for work so that he could get the morning off to come with me.

Mike got back, Mom arrived, and we headed out the door. A little bit of Andrew Peterson kept me focused and mindful that if I never hold another Wessner baby warm and cozy, God has done incredible things in my family, in my heart and in the heart of my husband. He will be praised no matter what. Of that I am determined. We signed in and had been sitting for less than 5 minutes when I was ushered to the back. I have seen the sonographer many times before, always with great joy. I went ahead and told her that we know that there may not be great news so she didn’t need to pretend. She has apparently endured heartbreak herself and commented about timing and us never being in control…all good things. The impersonal ultrasound began and within a few seconds she says, with confidence, “There’s a little peanut right there with a heartbeat. Look at it flashing.” What! I wasn’t prepared for that. I was shocked, Mike was not. I was thrilled….we were both thrilled. A heartbeat, I even heard it. That never gets old. This is the fourth time a person has taken up residence in my womb and it doesn’t grow old to me. Each time is a treat. Each time a wonder and miracle. This one seems more so than other times. A heartbeat.

“So, the numbers and the random spotting…does a heartbeat trump everything?”

“Yes, a heartbeat trumps everything.”

Indeed it does. I was thinking about this as I was munching in the kitchen trying to decide what I wanted to eat and thought of the Greatest Heartbeat. The steady rising and setting of the sun beating out the Father’s great love in steady rhythms. No matter what is going on, a heartbeat trumps everything. I look around, the seasons finally changing, the trees raising their sparse limbs to their Creator, and one teeny tiny heartbeat trumping all doubt.

Thank you, Jesus for Your heartbeat that trumps anything.

I do miss it.

I didn't think that I would. I thought that I would never get out of that phase in my life. Two little ones and a swollen belly. I remember serving lunch on the porch to my "babies" and listening to their little voices until I thought my ears might bleed! Remembering how snuggly and safe it all felt. They are certainly not grown, and Mike and I pray that the Lord would see it fit to give us more, but it's shocking. It's birthday season around here and they will be 4, 6, and 8. Julia already is 6, her birthday was Monday. Anson is next on the 15th and then 3 days later it's Ella. I don't wish it faster. I realize that all too soon things will stay cleaner, longer. I will no longer scream, "Shut the DOOR!" or "Please stop talking and GO TO SLEEP!" I was just blogsurfing and looked longingly at two little people fingerpainting at the coffee table and then sharing a lunch and licking beaters on the kitchen floor. I have those pictures, those sweet, sweet memories tucked away in my heart. All of those people were right, it does fly by. I do miss it. We don't fingerpaint as much, poor Ella is getting shafted and where we still read an awful lot, we don't all really fit on the chair without someone insisting that someone else hit the floor. We eat lunch together at the table and discuss silly thoughts, or lofty thoughts, or we are quiet (not too much of that, though!) For those of you reading this with little ones, go smooch them (quietly and carefully so you don't wake them!) Please hear me when I say that it is sweet. It is so stinkin' hard, but man is it fast. I don't mean to sound as though we just dropped Anson off at Harvard (HA) I'm just saying that I could, if I let myself, cry. They are such precious people. With all of their sin and gunk, they are awesome. I am humbled and amazed, and I hope wherever you are, sweet reader, that you feel the same about those God has entrusted to you.

In other news:
My house is on a diet. I wrote a plan today that is entitled 31 Days to a House that Fits! I have a plan and I'm excited! The house is not the problem. Has God not given us everything that we need for life and godliness? He has, and my house is a gift. So, we are going to lose some weight, slim on down, and look sexy in our house! Everyday this month, except for Sunday's I have a "task" to work through. A little spot to clean out, clean up...REDEEM! Some stuff will end up at a yard sale, some might end up at a trunk sale at my homeschool community, and some of it will end up at Goodwill...it will not, however, end up back in my house. So, if you know me, please ask me, if you don't know me...ask me anyway. There were 3 things I listed that I needed to make this successful. They are: discipline (Heaven help me!), help, and accountability! So, please ask and if you see me peddling my belongings out of the back of my van, come have a look. We all know that one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Or one woman's problem is another woman's solution...I don't know! Alrighty, I've got to get the trash outside before my children find it in the morning, and then get the cleaned out stuff hidden, so that doesn't get found either. You know they don't play with it for 2 years until you put it in a pile!!! Have a super weekend!

Ocean...totally!

This week we took to the sea. Shortly anyway. I grew up spending my summers at the Jersey Shore with my Dad and Pam and love to have my toes in the sand! The past few years the beach hasn't been the same with kids, but there is something about it that never disappoints. We had a break from Classical Conversations this week, and I said, "WHY NOT?" So, we headed down to Jekyll Island on Monday night after Julia's soccer game. I was so excited for this wonderful surprise we had for our children. Do you know that they didn't ask where we were going until we had been on the road for at least 1 1/2 hours! It's a good thing no one was on fire, no one would have noticed!!! Mike wanted to wait until we got there to tell them, and although it's really hard for me to keep a surprise, I did it! Our kids love surprises, except Ella (I don't think she trusts us...seriously) and they were looking forward to an adventure. So, we spent the night and got up the next day to enjoy a beautiful day on the beach before heading home. So, here's what I've got.

Why do kids prefer the pool? It drives me crazy!!! Here we are at this AMAZING playground that the Lord has set up for us and you want to jump around in a man made bath tub??? Thankfully they only asked once, and it was the smallest of the short ones asking, but it made me think. I choose the pool. It's safe. I can see my toes, I know that nothing else is living in there and there are no waves stronger than I am. Now, I don't really choose the pool, but the pool is like living by sight. It's the safety of what we know...what we can see. We are also in control. We add chemicals to keep it clean, ask people to shower before entering. Then there is the ocean. The big, wide-open and dangerous ocean. It's massive and unmeasureable. It is merciless in it's fury and unpredictable. It's wonderful! I love how the salt tastes (I know most people probably don't) and how it feels on my skin when the day is done and the sun has gone to warm elsewhere. I love how it sounds and how it is full of life that we can and cannot see. I love to play in the waves, and feel the sand on my toes and in my hair. It's living by faith to me. I enjoy it because I cannot control it. I enjoy it because it reminds me of how big and awesome my Creator is. It reminds me of Romans that tells me that neither depth nor height nor anything else in all creation can separate me from the love of God that is in Christ. It reminds me that God provides for the ocean life. He has created them to live there, and has provided everything they need. Why wouldn't He do far more for me?

Growing up my Step-Mom would have to tell me take a shower some days because I just loved to let the ocean linger. I still do. I love to be lost in it, roll around in it, soaking it up. I pray that God would do that in my heart. That I would choose to live by faith. To enjoy all that He has made and not choose the pool...the status quo...the safe route, but instead allow myself to be swept away by the wide-open life that God provides through Christ. Oh that it would take my breath away and be my choice. Let it be so.

Ali's First Georgia Tech Game

THE TECH TOWER

PRE GAME SHOW BY THE BAND

GT's 1st TOUCHDOWN (Anson requested that I get a shot of "our" first touchdown)

2 Happy fans at the end of the game. (If you click on this one you can see the final score)


GT's bookstore was one of Ali's favorite stops! It is HUGE.

First Things...

"Children grow up I've learned to my sorrow, so quiet down cobwebs and dust go to sleep, I'm rocking my baby, cause babies don't keep."

How true that is. We've had some "big" events around here. Not huge, but silent markers of a life that is full and alive...and fleeting. The first was last weekend when Julia was ready to take the plunge and get her ears pierced. I was shocked by the look of sheer determination that she wore on her face while she climbed on that chair and got her birthstones punched through her little ears. I think I was sad. I love her ears, and I felt like they were sweet little baby ears. Then I wondered if I was allowing her to grow up too fast. Wondering if there was some spiritual conviction I should have regarding the right age and appropriateness of having ears pierced. I decided that no, I do not have any convictions, they are sweet and we love them, and she is adorable and growing faster than I like and more beautiful that I could imagine and I am full to overflowing with love for my Julia...and her ears. So, here she is...




The other first for Ms. Jules is soccer. One of her sweet friends from church was playing and her father was coaching and the invited her to join them. When I first asked her she said that she wasn't interested, then I told her that Susanna was playing...then she couldn't wait. We are extremely thankful for friendships that the Lord gives our children now that we can nurture over time. Hopefully some wise friends that they can walk with...encouraging and spurring on toward love and good deeds...and having fun. So, Mike is the assistant coach and today was their first game and she did a super job! I'm not just saying that either! She ran hard in the correct direction and she wasn't afraid of the ball. I have bad memories of getting my glasses bashed in while kicking the ball into the wrong goal. Thankfully that generational curse has not fallen on my children. I'm serious about how thankful I am for that...for real! I made a special game day bow for her, and even though you can not see it, I love it...I love that it mattered to her. She matters so much to me.






The last and craziest of all is our 3 "first" as we got a dog...again. For those of you who know us well know that we have struggled in the past. This time is SO different. We rescued a sweet guy last weekend and he has been such a wonderful addition to our family. I suspect this is what it is supposed to feel like to have a dog. He was pretty much crate trained and potty trained and just really thankful. With the risk of sounding nuts, I really think our dog knows he was spared. He and his litter were on their way to be euthenized when they ended up at a Pet Adoption Resource Center (PARC). It's like he knows what could have happened and he's just thankful. We are too. His name is Sonny and he is about 7-8 months old and is a lab-mix, maybe with hound of some sort. I will say that I had just e-mailed a friend and told her that he was so great and wasn't chewing anything and blah blah and then last night we were all sitting around the table and heard this noise and dismissed it and then it started up again and it was the dog GNAWING on the legs of the table! So, there are a few things I've thought about spiritually since having him, but for now, I'll just keep it simple. We got a dog...and it's pretty great.





So, that's some news from here. Just life stuff...but isn't Christ in it all? Thankfully, He sure is. For from Him and through Him and to Him are all things. To Him be the glory and honor forever and ever. Amen!!!

My School Room

One of my favorite things to do, sort of, is look at other people's school rooms. I am not sure why that is so much fun to me, maybe because they all look so very different, but I got to thinking about my school room. Maybe I should post this on my other blog, but I hardly ever post over there, so I'm posting here instead. So, I thought that I would post a picture of my school room. What do ya think? I'll post more pictures later, but thought this would be a great start. Here's is why.

We are all homeschooling. The greatest lessons come from this place, for all of us. Some of us may spend a bit more time in our "school room" but we all have one. Don't believe me? Take a minute, walk out the door that you walk through when you are bringing in your groceries, then walk to where you get your mail. If you haven't gotten your mail yet, go ahead and grab it, then as you turn around close your eyes and then open them. That's it! That's your school room. As you walk back into the door you just exited get ready to walk into the most important place in the life of your family. Your home. Does your home have a smell? Not necessarily a bad smell, but do you know I can still smell things and say, "That smells like Oak Leaf Ct, or this smells like the Beach House." What do you hear in your home? I still love remembering walking into my home from college when everyone was home. It just feels good. Your kids love that place. Don't believe me? Tell them that you are selling it. They'll flip...or start talking of what they'll do with all the added space! The conversations that take place in the school room that is close to the oven and the fridge are big time. Some of the best conversations happen around that table, whether it's game playing, eating or pencils and papers. It's big.

I could go on. I just wanted people to know that you might not be a "home schooler," per se, but you also have a school room. It will look different from mine, but you are still the primary teacher. You are still the one that is in charge. Those children are still yours. We are all teaching our children. We are all loving them and hoping that they will grow to be passionate with a purpose and willing to invest in those things that are unseen and eternal. We all have a school room...everyone is teaching something, and everyone is learning something, from the school room in front of the mailbox through the door where the groceries come. What's your school room look like? What are you learning?

Yertle the Turtle

I do love Dr. Seuss. I haven't read him enough lately, but last night Ella was pretending to be a vet, and when I asked her what her name was she said, "Dr. Seuss." Pretty clever that little spunky thing! The other day we were, however, reading Yertle the Turtle and this line caught me. First let me say that Yertle is a very grumpy turtle that wants to be ruler over everything that he can see. In order to be a bigger ruler, he stacks more and more turtles on top of one poor Mack, and apparantly forgets why he is so tall. Listen,
"You hush up your mouth!" howled the mighty King Yertle.
"You've no right to talk to the world's highest turtle.
I rule from the clouds! Over land! Over sea!
There's nothing, no NOTHING, that's higher than me!"

As I read that I thought, "Yertle, you fool, you are only high because you are standing on their backs! They put you in that position and listen to how you speak to them!" I won't tell you how it ends, in case you want to find out for yourself, but here's the thing, anything that I am, or will be, is because I am standing on someone's back. I think of the great cloud of witnesses that have gone on before us, those Amy Carmichael's and the George Mueller's. The Livingstone's and Ten Boom's. Those courageous souls who were willingly and joyfully obedient and have paved the way for many believers to do some pretty super things for the glory of God. We stand on their shoulders. We stand on the shoulders of the One who took our cross on His shoulders and lugged it bruised and beaten all the way to Calvary. The relationship that I have with my Father, I have because of Him. May I never forget that and speak as harshly as ole' Yertle did, who eventually was King of the Mud. Hmmm. I've been there a time or two.

So, whose shoulders are you standing on? And who will stand on yours?