Persistent like Ella

"Mom, I want to show you the dress that I want to wear today, and I know you're gonna say 'No.'"

This is how our dialogue goes on most Sunday mornings. Now, I am sure that many of you have all the clothes picked out with socks and shoes and belts located on Saturday night...I think that is so smart...but I can only think about it. So, Sunday morning we are choosing and finding and all that good stuff. So, Ella has this BEAUTIFUL dress that came from someones trunk (who loves that??? ME!!!) It's a gorgeous white Strasburg dress with pearl beading. I could never buy it. It has short sleeves, though, so I have had to keep saying "no." Today, however, the forecast was sunny and 80. I followed Ella into her room and said, "Today is the perfect day to wear that dress. I just need to iron it." Needless to say, she was thrilled. She looked like a picture and I am so very thankful for the generosity of our church family. We have some of the most LOVELY dresses hanging in our closet and with 3 girls (did you know I was having another girl???) I'm so very grateful. So, in church I was thinking about the whole scenario and thought, "I wish I were more like Ella."

Every Sunday for the past several months she has asked to wear that dress. Every Sunday for the past several months I have said, "no." I stop asking the Lord. When He says, "No" one time, I quit. The only reason why I wouldn't allow Ella to wear the dress was because the season wasn't right. How do I know what season it is in the Kingdom of God? Is it time to rescue my brother from the pain of the fall? Is it time to send my family overseas? Is it time to sell our house? I can keep asking. He may keep saying, "No." But won't that be a sweet day with my heavenly Father when He smiles at me and says, "Today is the perfect day for that dress, my love. I'm so glad you asked."

How about you? Do you keep asking? If I weren't so painfully tired with a good bit of reading yet to do for my Perspectives Class tomorrow night I would find the passage regarding the man that kept on knocking on his neighbors door. Do you remember that one? God, help me to knock until my knuckles bleed. Amen.

This is Ella...Ella, Ella, Ella

"And then what are we going to do? Will we skip naps today? How many days is that? Will you be there? Will we have dessert? What is dessert? What is dinner? Do I have to eat it? How much? What does that mean? I don't know what you are talking about!" On and on it goes. I'm not quite sure why, but Ella gets anxious when she doesn't have all of the information. It drives me nuts. I find myself saying, all the time, "Ella, honey, you are just going to have to trust me." I actually find it offensive that she won't simply walk in faith. Just enjoy the day. You are 4 years old and life is good.

Today was a beautiful day here. We don't live in the Arctic, so we don't love cold weather. Our winter has been colder than usual, and this warmth is so good for us. It's one thing if you sign up to live in a cold place...but I didn't. I sweat..I don't love cold. Today everyone got outside, even Sonny. Mike was working with our neighbor to split a large tree stump and the kids roamed around and played on our neighbor's play set and trampoline. Man it was nice! As Ella was getting off the trampoline she started, "Are we going to skip naps? I can't be still and close my eyes. Can I just read a book? What if I can't close my eyes." It was such a lovely day. Why would she even concern herself with nap when we hadn't even eaten lunch yet! I just looked at her. "Ella, you are going to have to trust me." Please.

I know that there are mothers that are better than me. They have it more together and can pull of washing, drying, folding and putting laundry away on the same day. Sometimes, not as often as in the past, but I forget to brush my teeth. I'm also not ashamed to say that today, in my neighbor's yard, my sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt were also my pajamas last night! I don't have it all together, but you know one thing I do...I think for my children. I think for them and I plan for them and I love them immensely. I do not look for a snake pit to dump them in. I feel like my record of care should speak for itself (besides the fact that Ella wasn't eating enough around 9-10 mos...we rectified that as soon as we realized it!). I feel like they should be able to simply check my record and believe that all will be well. That my care may be crazy at times, but they are never, ever, in danger. Ever. I adore them.

I have been really paralyzed lately. I feel like the Lord has been stirring things inside of us and we don't know what to do with them. I want to know the answers and I want to know them 5 minutes ago. I want to know if we should move or stay or sell all and live in a hut in Sub-Saharan Africa (remember I don't do cold!). I find myself worried and not believing...just like Ella. If I were to challenge God's record I would not find a blemish. Each and every time I have heard, listened, and obeyed His voice, I have never ended up in a pit of snakes. I have never been painfully disappointed or injured in any way. Never. Why would he start now? Is He a man that He should lie or a son of man that He should change His mind? Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill? Um...no. Why would He start now? Why can't I just enjoy this beautiful day? He is a good God...an excellent Father. I really want to relax. I know that by His spirit and because of His Son, I can...and I will. No more questions. For now...

That dog will run!

He will take off. He's fast and he's stubborn. When we adopted him, we were told that he was part Lab and some other stuff. As he grows we believe that he might be part Greyhound. He's been extremely helpful during this pregnancy as Mike and I take turns making sure he gets his walks in. Mike takes the morning shift (I had that one first and this little heartbeat conquered my ability to get up at 6:20) and I take the evening shift (with my neighbor which I so enjoy!).

We've been working on training him, and anyone who knows us, dog-training isn't one of our greatest abilities. We're working on it, though. So, a few weeks ago, I thought, "I wonder what he'll do if I turn him loose." So, we got to a good stopping point close to our house so I could see him, and I had him sit, and then I took off his leash, gave him a pat and said, "Release!" He took off!!! Straight for our house. He ran a bit and then stopped to see where I was, then ran a bit and stopped to see again. I was surprisingly proud of my four-legged pal!

That's why we do what we do. If my dog is in fact a Greyhound, he was made to run. He needs to run, but he needs to know how to run safely and where home is. My children are like that. They will run, I know it. I feel them pulling on the leashes every now and then. (I don't really have them on leashes, I mean rubbing up against the boundaries.) I cannot, however, turn them loose until they have received proper training. I have to be sure that they listen to not only my voice, but the voice of their ultimate Master. He is the One who made them and knows what they are capable of. Not only what they are capable of, but what they were made to do. I do believe that all of us were made to run.

I'm sure there will be no greater joy than to watch my children run away from me at full speed ahead...home to where the Father has called them. It is to this end that I labor.

So, as we all set out on this New Year, let's fix our eyes on Jesus, the author and perfector of our faith and run this race with perseverance. Parents, married, or single, we were created to do something...bring Him glory. Run, run like the wind, just be sure that you are running home.

Happy New Year.

Crooked Wreath

Too many blogs spoil my fun. We all have opinions and most of them are so good, and some of them are great, and some of them rub me the wrong way. Some of them make me feel better and some make me feel worse. However, nothing makes me feel worse, or better, than my crooked Advent Wreath.

Like so many other parents, I want our holidays to be meaningful and spent with purpose on the who and what of Christmas. We have an Advent wreath, a super book, a Jesse Tree and good intentions. There is something different, however, about this season. I am coming out of my first trimester. I have no sweet tooth (baking doesn't sound yummy), I'm pretty tired (I was napping like an infant for a few days...10 and 2!) I've also read too much of the opinions of others and not enough of the opinion of my Father. These turn into some joy stealing combinations. So, to my advent wreath. It's in the middle of the table. That's really hard for me because our table really is the hub of our home. It's breakfast, lunch, dinner (OK, we have eaten out a good bit, but normally it's all three meals) coloring, games, school, it's everything. Having something on it makes me nuts! However, there is really no better place for our wreath. So, it gets pushed around and sometimes demoted to a chair and then placed back into the center of the table where it belongs...reminding us all of what we are anticipating.

That's how I feel like I've been this Season. Jesus is the center, but He gets pushed around a bit. He's in the mix, but not quite center all the time, sometimes He is completely demoted, sometimes He's shining brightly. It's condemning a little bit. How can I say I love Him and would lay down everything, when spending time in His word is such a discipline? My heart is a liar. Then I am reminded by my crooked Advent wreath, that is exactly the point. I so need Jesus. More than ever it feels like. I'm so crooked and so broken without Him. I know pride is a struggle...as disgusting as it is, if I can pull it together then I feel good about the fact that I'm on God's team...like He's lucky to have me. It's times like these when my cracks and corners are exposed that I can barely look at His face without wanting to run the opposite direction out of complete embarrassment. Does that ever happen to anyone else? Does anyone else stink at being good?

Tonight I asked Mike if the kids have enjoyed our time off. He said that it's been good, but in my heart I know that I got robbed. I took my eyes off the prize. I lost the point...the house was too messy...I didn't stop. They may have enjoyed things, but I have struggled. So, I have a list...and it can wait. This is the first Christmas in a LONG time that my ENTIRE family (that's my siblings and my parents) will be together...I want my wreath straight.

So, to those homemakers out there that keep stinkin' it up like I do...there's a Savior for that. Those Moms who have a hard time accepting their kids' best effort when there is still crap in the corners of their room...there is a Savior for that. For those of us Crooked Advent Folks, that just want to know Jesus and struggle with our flesh...there is a Savior for that. O, Love that will not let me go! Are you so thankful that it is He holds us and not the opposite? Bind my wandering heart to thee!

I hope that as you look around at all the crooked in your house, in your life, in this world...you will look with me into the face of the Savior who came to set it all straight. Not because we were good enough...but because He loved us so.

Merry Christmas to all...and to all...a straight wreath in a crooked world!

A Gift of Love

So, tis' the season to contend with Santa. This is not a Santa bashing post...there is no reason to bash him, just a neat conversation that I had with my kids this morning regarding the ole' guy. We do not pretend Santa. I don't think that I ever really believed in him because Christmas' were different growing up because of divorce. I still really enjoyed Christmas and so I guess I didn't feel like I was robbing my kids of anything. I was not a Christian growing up, so now Christmas is really much different.

So, we've been preparing what we will say when folks ask us, although usually we just smile kindly and scoot on our way. We haven't come up with much yet, but there is still time I suppose. So, this morning the kids were finishing up decorating our Jesse Tree and they were so very excited about it. (I'll tell you about that in a minute). As they were unwrapping each little clay piece that I handcrafted last year they would squeal, "Oh, I'm the lucky one I got the ______!" I was washing dishes (Kelli, can you give me a sleeve of cups for Christmas? I DETEST washing cups!!!)and I thought I'd ask what they thought about Santa, just out of curiosity. "Guys, are you sad that we don't pretend in Santa?" In unison the kids said, "No." I found that a little intriguing so I asked, "Why not? Don't you think it would be fun?" Their answers were still worldly, which is fine, they said, "Well, we still get presents they just come from you and Dad." So, I wonder if Santa would be hurt to know that it's not him they want, but his goods!!! Then Anson said this, "I would rather have a gift of love." Hm? Shall I wrap some love under the tree this year? I asked what he meant. "Well, a gift from Santa is just because you were good, not because he loves you. A gift from your parents is a gift of love." Even typing that I stop and consider a "gift of love." That sure is what God meant isn't it? A gift from our Heavenly Father to show us that we aren't good at all and nothing we could possibly try to do would save us, so He sent a Gift of Love. That totally beats anything elves could fashion doesn't it?

It makes me even more excited to give to my children now because I see how they receive it, and hopefully this Christmas we will all have open eyes and softened hearts to receive the gift of Love that is Emmanuel.

In light of the beginning of Advent I will share two (maybe 3) things that we do that really make our season sweet. The first is a book that I bought last year called The Jesse Tree by Geraldine McCaughrean. It is a story in a story and we have really enjoyed the beautiful illustrations and the heart change that occurs in the grumpy ole' man. I will say that no scripture is referenced, so if you want to read the story from the Bible, you'll have to find it. For some that may be a downer, I still enjoy it. You can find tons of stuff if you google "Jesse Tree." I think there is a movement among Christian households to reclaim this holiday for Christ and we are looking for ways to make it meaningful to our children. A Jesse Tree is one of those things. For our tree, I made ornaments (I am NOT crafty, but these turned out precious...I'll take pics when Mike is home to do all the work!) out of sculpee clay. I made them a few at a time last year and just kept them wrapped up, and this year since they are all finished we hung them on a small Christmas tree. They really look super. As we read each story, we'll find the ornament. The goal of Jesse Trees (long ago) was to have a visual of the story for the illiterate people. So, it's a fun way for your kids to retell the story using the ornaments as visual cues of what happened next. There are paper ornaments you can cut out and color or just make up your own symbols! The point is that your family can recall the story.

Another super resource is available for free (plus the cost of ink) from www.aholyexperience.com I may use this one as well because I enjoy the author's writing style. She includes illustrations at the end of the book. Total the book is 80 pages, but only 57 of that is the Jesse Tree devotional. So, you may want to check that out.

Then one more book that we enjoy each year, that you may or may not love is by Arnold Ytreeide. We are reading the third book this year (you don't have to read them in order) and they are exciting books full of adventure (some robbers and thieves) but always lands us in a stable staring at the Promise. I wouldn't say that you are going to get a ton of spiritual nourishment, but they are fun to read. Our kids always ask for "one more" even though you are to read only one bit per day.

So, those are a few things we do to make our season bright. What do you do? Whatever you do I pray that your hearts are tender, soft, and excited about the celebration to come. The greatest Gift of Love ever!!!

P.S.
I would like to thank Kelli for making this post possible! She has all my kids so I could rest a bit. This little heartbeat is wearin' me out!!!

A Heartbeat.

“Hey Mrs. Wessner, we got your numbers here and where they should double every 48-72 hours, yours actually dropped a little bit.” Hm. I thought this might happen. Not because it ever has, but because I know it can. I am resolved to follow Jesus Christ with no question, so I bravely ask, “So, what should I do?” She responds that I will be “fit-in” first thing in the morning to be sure that this sweet blessing is “viable.” I told Mike that I was afraid of that and he nods…unmoved. Getting to this point did not come easily for either of us. I have known that someone has been missing, and Mike was slower to believe me. We suffered (rather I suffered) 3 years of self-inflicted infertility. This summer God changed Mike’s heart, and now we were headed to the Dr. for the fourth time to check on our newest treasure.

I had the e-mail written in my head. “Dear Friends, blah blah blah…we were early and we miscarried. God has been faithful and we are sad, but not without hope. We love you….” I just need to be prepared for the worst. So, this morning I awoke early (although I stayed in bed) and finally got moving and took the dog out for our (mostly regular) walk. As I walked up the street in the quiet of the new day I just whispered, “Lord, I just want to know that Your hand is in this.” He very sweetly whispered to me in the solitude of our time, “Ali, My hand is in everything.” “Yes, Sir, thank you. I love that about you!” With great peace I got breakfast ready and got myself ready for the appointment that no mother, with children or not, wants to attend. I just wanted to send a substitute to bear the brunt of the news. Mike left for work so that he could get the morning off to come with me.

Mike got back, Mom arrived, and we headed out the door. A little bit of Andrew Peterson kept me focused and mindful that if I never hold another Wessner baby warm and cozy, God has done incredible things in my family, in my heart and in the heart of my husband. He will be praised no matter what. Of that I am determined. We signed in and had been sitting for less than 5 minutes when I was ushered to the back. I have seen the sonographer many times before, always with great joy. I went ahead and told her that we know that there may not be great news so she didn’t need to pretend. She has apparently endured heartbreak herself and commented about timing and us never being in control…all good things. The impersonal ultrasound began and within a few seconds she says, with confidence, “There’s a little peanut right there with a heartbeat. Look at it flashing.” What! I wasn’t prepared for that. I was shocked, Mike was not. I was thrilled….we were both thrilled. A heartbeat, I even heard it. That never gets old. This is the fourth time a person has taken up residence in my womb and it doesn’t grow old to me. Each time is a treat. Each time a wonder and miracle. This one seems more so than other times. A heartbeat.

“So, the numbers and the random spotting…does a heartbeat trump everything?”

“Yes, a heartbeat trumps everything.”

Indeed it does. I was thinking about this as I was munching in the kitchen trying to decide what I wanted to eat and thought of the Greatest Heartbeat. The steady rising and setting of the sun beating out the Father’s great love in steady rhythms. No matter what is going on, a heartbeat trumps everything. I look around, the seasons finally changing, the trees raising their sparse limbs to their Creator, and one teeny tiny heartbeat trumping all doubt.

Thank you, Jesus for Your heartbeat that trumps anything.

I do miss it.

I didn't think that I would. I thought that I would never get out of that phase in my life. Two little ones and a swollen belly. I remember serving lunch on the porch to my "babies" and listening to their little voices until I thought my ears might bleed! Remembering how snuggly and safe it all felt. They are certainly not grown, and Mike and I pray that the Lord would see it fit to give us more, but it's shocking. It's birthday season around here and they will be 4, 6, and 8. Julia already is 6, her birthday was Monday. Anson is next on the 15th and then 3 days later it's Ella. I don't wish it faster. I realize that all too soon things will stay cleaner, longer. I will no longer scream, "Shut the DOOR!" or "Please stop talking and GO TO SLEEP!" I was just blogsurfing and looked longingly at two little people fingerpainting at the coffee table and then sharing a lunch and licking beaters on the kitchen floor. I have those pictures, those sweet, sweet memories tucked away in my heart. All of those people were right, it does fly by. I do miss it. We don't fingerpaint as much, poor Ella is getting shafted and where we still read an awful lot, we don't all really fit on the chair without someone insisting that someone else hit the floor. We eat lunch together at the table and discuss silly thoughts, or lofty thoughts, or we are quiet (not too much of that, though!) For those of you reading this with little ones, go smooch them (quietly and carefully so you don't wake them!) Please hear me when I say that it is sweet. It is so stinkin' hard, but man is it fast. I don't mean to sound as though we just dropped Anson off at Harvard (HA) I'm just saying that I could, if I let myself, cry. They are such precious people. With all of their sin and gunk, they are awesome. I am humbled and amazed, and I hope wherever you are, sweet reader, that you feel the same about those God has entrusted to you.

In other news:
My house is on a diet. I wrote a plan today that is entitled 31 Days to a House that Fits! I have a plan and I'm excited! The house is not the problem. Has God not given us everything that we need for life and godliness? He has, and my house is a gift. So, we are going to lose some weight, slim on down, and look sexy in our house! Everyday this month, except for Sunday's I have a "task" to work through. A little spot to clean out, clean up...REDEEM! Some stuff will end up at a yard sale, some might end up at a trunk sale at my homeschool community, and some of it will end up at Goodwill...it will not, however, end up back in my house. So, if you know me, please ask me, if you don't know me...ask me anyway. There were 3 things I listed that I needed to make this successful. They are: discipline (Heaven help me!), help, and accountability! So, please ask and if you see me peddling my belongings out of the back of my van, come have a look. We all know that one woman's trash is another woman's treasure. Or one woman's problem is another woman's solution...I don't know! Alrighty, I've got to get the trash outside before my children find it in the morning, and then get the cleaned out stuff hidden, so that doesn't get found either. You know they don't play with it for 2 years until you put it in a pile!!! Have a super weekend!