Refiner's Fire.

I had a mouth. I have a mouth. Before coming to faith my mouth could spew some serious venom. Some of you may find that shocking, others, my cussing friends...just giggle. Coming to faith didn't change my mouth so much as it changed the venom. It didn't seem as vile as four letter words, but I still cannot get my forked tongue under control. A verse that I have had stored in my heart since 1997 is found in Psalm 141:3 "Set a guard over my mouth, O LORD; keep watch over the door of my lips." I feel like I need an armored soldier standing outside of my lips arresting any detestable thing that flows forth. I could blame my words...but Jesus says that the real problem is not my mouth, but my heart. In addressing the Pharisees in Matthew 12:34 Jesus says, "You brood of vipers, how can you who are evil say anything good? For out of the overflow of the heart the mouth speaks." I need the armored soldier...but I also need a clean heart.

This year has been really stinkin' hard. Since I started keeping another child my days were more like managing than mothering. I missed my children. I missed my house. I missed my life. My children have been with me, but when you babysit everyday (at least this is true for me) you become more like a babysitter than a Mama. I'm a pretty good babysitter, but I'm a much better Mama. I have seen alot of my human frailties and to be honest...I'm a little surprised. I really didn't think I was that bad. I joke about my sin, (which is despicable since sin is what nailed my Jesus to the cross)but have really seen that it's no joke. I'm just going to be honest. I thought I was a pretty good Mom. I am...to my children. I don't know everything about parenting...someone else's child. I know mine. God has given me divine insight, understanding, and wisdom to parent my children. I'm not the mother of the year...I'm their mother...this year...and every year, so I guess I am a Mother of the Year! I have seen how judgemental I really am. Thinking that I got where I am because of my own awesomeness. I mean...what else could it be? Hmmm how 'bout some GRACE? FAVOR? MERCY? God has shown me kindness because of Jesus. That's humbling. Do you (I say you because when I write this it's like I'm talking to a friend on my sweet front porch rocking chairs)think that you must be responsible for at least some of the great stuff in your life? I'll take credit for the screwed up parts, but can't I take some credit for the good stuff too? Nope. He is the Breath of Heaven. The Bread of Life. The Father of Heavenly Lights. Giver of every good thing. My Creator, Redeemer and Friend. He enables me to obey, repent, and love. I have made some great choices, but it is because He was leading me. They weren't my ideas.

So, I've just been sort of introspective. I'm finding some insecurities. I'm worried that I'm going to say something ridiculous and offend thousands. I find I want to withdraw a bit to protect myself and others. I'm finding that without the Cross...I've got nothing. It's been so precious to see my need because it makes me love Jesus more and want to honor Him in the things that I do. Then I make a dumb comment or mistake and feel like I'll never get it. I suppose that's where the whole "sanctification" comes in. A verse that I go to sleep thinking about is that His mercies are new every morning. I LOVE that Truth. I love knowing that in the morning I start over. I want to be that kind of person. I want to start new every morning with everyone and everything. I want to live in awe of His ability to deal with me.

So, I say all that to say I'm really excited about June. I'm excited about tearing down some alters and worshipping God instead of the other foolish idols that I've been looking to for salvation. I'm looking forward to having my kids back. I did't realize how much I enjoy them until I was managing them. I'm excited that the Lord has refined me this year. Burning away all the yuck that isn't of Him. I know that I'm not finished, but I can only withstand the flames for so long. He takes me out, looks me over, and in I go again. Thankfully. Thankfully there will be more refining. The thought of being the same for the rest of my life turns my stomach. I invite it, Lord. Please, burn away all that isn't of You. As long as You are the One doing the work I know it can be trusted and I know it will be worth it.

P.S.
I'm very proud that I figured out how to put music on this. I don't love it because I can't read and listen at the same time. However, I felt like these songs were appropriate and maybe it will give you a taste of what I enjoy listening to. Jo...whenever I listen to Jennifer Knapp I think of you...playing your guitar in our little dorm room...

Happy Mother's Day...Wreckage.

So, there I am in all of my pregnant glory. The pictures are in order of the children. The first was taken a few weeks before my due date with Anson, the second was the day before my c-section with Julia, and the third was the morning I went in for Ella. I'm so sorry to sound so cliche', but, it seems as though it was only yesterday. The kids are now 6, 4, and 2 and I'm shocked at their abilities. I suppose that is where it all started. That is where the wrecking began.

They wrecked my body. I used to have some body. I look back at pictures and think, "Man, I thought I was fat? I was beautiful!" Just last night I happened upon a high school photo and noticed my shirt was tucked in, I had on a belt, and there was NO MUFFIN TOP! I was a cute little thang if I do say so myself. Some parts of my body have sadly yielded to the powerful force of gravity and only my feet are faithful when it comes to choosing a size. My feet never (only during pregnancy) feel tight in the size that they are supposed to be. My feet are good to me!

They wrecked my mind. I never forgot to brush my teeth until I had children. I used to speak in complete sentences and not use "potty talk." I found it inappropriate to talk about various parts of the body, nausea, or breast infections in mixed company...those days are long gone. I remember being so embarassed by my inability to communicate over the phone to some insurance lady that I actually told her that I was a college graduate, but couldn't think straight because I was pregnant! It was pretty bad. I never put cereal in the refrigerator until I had children. I've never heard an incessant beep telling me that something was ready and been unable to remember what I was timing. I wasn't top of the class (like Mike was) but I wasn't the bottom of the barrel, either. Now I have been known to scour the trash cans for missing pictures or utensils that have been inadvertantly thrown away by an overly zealous toddler.

They wrecked my sleep habits. I used to sleep through the night and wake refreshed and ready for the day. Now it is not unusual to wake up only to find my hands scrubbing "pee-pee" off the floor and trying (quietly) to find clean panties and comfort a screaming child while begging the God of the Universe to let the other children stay asleep. Then I crawl back into bed only to wake my husband so that he knows that I was up...and he wasn't...at least until I woke him up! Saturday mornings Mike and I would sleep in, wake up to eat breakfast and maybe go back to bed. Not anymore. We wake up with 3 other people making their needs known to us and we, well, we comply...we just want peace on earth!

They wrecked my marriage. We used to talk quietly about our day over dinner and then watch some Wheel of Fortune before piddling around the house and then heading to bed. We used to go to movies without 3 weeks notice to find a sitter...we'd actually just go to the theatre and see what was playing and decide right there what we would watch. Then, we'd go to dinner.

They wrecked me. I used to meet friends for lunch, or dinner, spend hours with the Lord, finish books and write more letters. Now my lunch and dinner dates include them, I am teaching them how to meet with the Lord and how to read and write themselves. Lots of wrecking, but you know what...I needed it.

Before my children I don't think I really relied on God for the fruits of the Spirit. I was pretty capable of getting through my day on a wing and a prayer...although there was all that Bible study I was able to pull off! I was self-centered and selfish believing that serving others could take place on short-term mission trips and "special occasions."

Mike and I are a team now. We have a common goal...to honor the Lord in our marriage while we train our children in the fear and admonition of the Lord. We cling to each other and dinner involves reviewing our scripture memory and discussing the adventures of the day. We snuggle up and watch movies on the couch. Saturday's are full of life and abundance. Our cups overflow. We were wrecked, we are wrecked, thankfully God has a Savior for wreckage. They wrecked me, for sure and if you know me well you know that I don't sugar-coat the joys and pains of motherhood. I am so thankful that I am not the same woman that I was even 4 years ago. They have changed me, refined me, they are certainly instruments in God's hands as He molds me more and more into the image of His precious Son. They are gifts, I know that, I hug them a little bit tighter everyday.

So, to all of you out there that are enjoying this day...the breakfast in bed, the pampering and hugs...let's not grow weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest...maybe our children will even rise and call us blessed. Who knows...until then...I hope that you enjoy the wreckage and trust God that He will pick up all of the pieces.

Blogellas

I just like to say that...Blogella...there have been a few things rolling around in my head lately...but the computer is off alot more than it is on (for SEVERAL really good reasons!) so I'm just gonna post em' all right here...right now...

What's the Weather?
We have the great privilege of knowing the BEST weatherman and his family very well. I would say that we LOVE spending time with them probably as much as this guy loves him some Storm-Tracker! So, a few weeks ago, they were over for their monthly dinner and I had a blogha (that's an AHA for the blog). I had the kids pick their clothes out for church before our company got here so that once they left we wouldn't have to do all of that "get ready for the next day" stuff. Well, Anson picked out a long sleeved shirt, which I replaced with a short-sleeved shirt. When he finally realized this he came out and this was the conversation:

"Mom, what happened to the shirt that I picked out?"

"I put it away. It's going to be warm and you'll get too hot in the shirt you chose. I put a short sleeved shirt on the hanger for you."

"But, Mom, I wanted to wear the other one."

"I understand that, but you need to trust me...it's going to be hot."

I was just about to head over to the computer to prove that it was going to be hot when Christine (the weatherman's wife...or Chief Meteorologist) said, "You've got the weatherman at your table...ask him." At which point Jeff leaned across the table and said, "It's gonna be hot."

DUH!!! Fireworks in my heart. Why would I check the computer when the person responsible for telling the CSRA what the weather will be like is sitting at my table? He wasn't above giving us the forecast. He was totally accessible to us and it would have been foolish for us to struggle to find the weather with him sitting right there.

Did I really get fireworks in my heart because the weatherman was at my table? No. I got fireworks because the Maker of the Heavens made His home with man and when He left He left the Counselor with us. We have the God of the UNIVERSE at our disposal and we just act like He isn't even sitting at our table. We just struggle and try our hardest to make things work and to find our own answers when He says, "Call to me and I will answer you and tell you great and unsearchable things you do not know." Jeremiah 33:3 or Jesus says in Matthew, "Come to ME all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

Not only do I need to call to Him and come to Him...I need to be sure that my children know they can talk to Him as well. Jeff didn't look at me so that I could interpret for Anson, he looked directly at him...and Anson responded. Got questions? Ask the One with answers.

Miss Mable
A few weeks ago Mike and I were at Lowe's trying to figure out what we wanted to plant in our garden. A familiar face walked by me, but I couldn't place the name, thankfully Mike did. It was Miss Mable. Mike teaches her granddaughter and we had dinner with her a few months ago at our Missions Conference. I love old women. I don't mean "older" I mean, like late 70's and 80's. I could listen to them for hours. Learning what their life was like, what they did and how I can learn from them. I just think there is a treasure trove of information in the elderly that we aren't tapping into, so whenever I get a chance...I LOVE it.

So, Miss Mable was telling us about her garden and what she has planted and where she put it and where it came from. I was mesmerized, really. I finally said, "How do you know where to put it all? Do you read in books or magazines?" She sort of chuckled and put her elbows on her cart and said, "Honey, I'll be 80 years old next January. I just know where it goes by now cause' I've been doin' it for so long." Wisdom. She just knows. That doesn't only apply to her garden. As we grow in the Lord we just know some things. We can skip the trial and error really hard lessons because we've already endured them, lived through them...and can now enjoy just putting the plants where they go and enjoying them. I invite my birthdays.

Another thing she said was that she shared a few of her plants with her neighbor and now his backyard is like a Botanical Garden. My thoughts started racing...she just shared a few flowers. Just a cup of cold water. Sometimes as we share our life we have no idea what people will do with it, or how it will change them. God will multiply whatever it is that we have to offer...'member the bread and the fish? Whatever we have could inspire others to grow a garden of faith that would knock our socks off. What can I share? She looked at me as we parted and said, "Be careful, it's catchy." She was referring to the gardening...working the earth...enjoying the fruit. I would have to agree. Already we check our garden daily and rejoice with the fruit we see. I'm also working in another garden. I'm laying seeds in the lives and hearts of my children, neighbors and family. It's not much, to be honest...but my prayer is that it's just enough to turn their lives into a Botanical Garden that King Solomon himself would approve of. What flowers can you share?

Lots of Jesus
Last week my brother came over because he needed some help on some schoolwork. He's attempting to finish up a degree at UGA...that's another story altogether! When he left I said, "Ans, isn't it nice that Uncle Andy can just stop in from time to time and see us. I sure hope that he sees a little bit of Jesus while he's here." Anson's response was, "Well, I hope he sees a lot of Jesus." My heart stopped. Me too. I want people to see alot of Jesus...all Jesus...none of me...that means I've got to become less so that He can become greater.

Here's a random snapshot into a day in the life.
The kids went exploring in the woods with a little boy from down the street while his mom and I chatted. When we called them to come home they seemed really far away. I got a little nervous even though I could hear them and decided to walk into the woods to see where they were. I kept calling and they kept answering, but I just couldn't see them. When they finally came into view, they were sopping wet and Anson was barefoot with his boots in his hands.
"Anson Arthur...put your shoes on! You cannot walk through the woods barefoot!"

"But Mom, we put something in them."

Then my sweet little Julia pipes up, "Yeah, we caught a fish!"

Sure as the world they had caught a fish with their bare hands and then put it in Anson's boot to bring it home. I never saw it because I made him dump it out to put his boots on, but he says if we would have eaten it we would have been finished in about 10 seconds, because it was just little. It still makes me smile.

Since the computer has been off I've been playing a few more games that I wouldn't normally play. I was playing with Ella last week and we were playing Mommy and Baby. I was the baby and she was putting me to bed (Praise the LORD!). I was giving her a taste of her own medicine. "I want my lovey. I want water. Kiss me. Hug me. Pray for me." Eventually do you know what she did? She said, "I'm leaving." and she walked out the door! She still gets out of bed at night...maybe we'll have to play again soon until she figures out how rough bedtime can be!

I think there's one more that I'm forgetting, but for now that will have to do. I sure love sharing the stuff that goes on in my head and pray that it reaches you all as the cold water that I pray it is. I've got dishes in the sink, laundry in the washer and dryer...and I promised to make some popcorn for story time...promises, promises...enjoy this day...

Blessings,
Ali


I remembered the other one. This came to me on the way to Kroger this morning. It's titled,
"There's a hole in my umbrella, but we sure do need the rain." Sometimes life is just plain inconvenient...but it's necessary. We do need the rain and the fact that my umbrella has a hole in it shouldn't prevent the earth from getting the water that it so desperately needs. We've been in a drought for some years now, so any rain we get is welcomed...even though there is a hole in my umbrella. Do you have holes? Do you have days where things just have to happen, but it just makes you wet? Rejoice! WE need the rain! It keeps things alive...it cleans the pollen...it refreshes everything. Instead of trying to be safe from it under a leaky umbrella...dance in it and feel the difference!

Danger Zone

How many of you blog surf? I do. I'm not on facebook because I'm sure I would surf/stalk there as well. Here's what happens and what I need to be aware of.

I start out innocently checking on a few blogs that I read regularly. Then, I start clicking on comments, bouncing around from blog to blog. Sometimes I run into people that I know (that's weird!) sometimes I just lurk. You know what happened today? Something that is rather dangerous. I started to feel inadequate. I HATE when I feel like that. I ended up in Virginia on some woman's front porch that she had just made over (it was very nice) and suddenly became very sad about the front porch that I have. I have one of the sweetest little houses ever, little sweet front porch. However, you know what else I have? Three little people. Three little people that love boxes. Three little people (4 Monday-Friday)that like boxes and playdough. Three little people that like boxes, playdough and walking THROUGH the screen door...like, through the screen. I live in a very blooming place and so it's white with a yellow tint. Guys, it's a mess. All of a sudden all that I do wasn't good enough because my porch, well, it sucks. I know that sweet lady has no intentions of her blog making me feel bad. I'm sure I'll find my way back there someday when I'm all grown up. What happens is we start poking our noses around everyone else's space (it's way fun...I know) and then we aren't good enough cooks, photographers, parents, wives, shoppers, cleaners...you name it. I love, love, love the internet. I love that there are people I don't even know that have taught me so much. What I don't love is how the enemy often uses it against me so that I feel like nothing I do is good enough. Several verses come to mind (I'm doing this off the cuff...they may be off a little) Micah 6:8, "He has shown thee, Oh man, what is good and what the Lord requires of thee, but to do justly, love mercy and walk humbly with your God." It's KJV cause it's a song! Another one says that we shouldn't compare ourselves by ourselves because when we do that, we aren't wise.

So, I'm supposed to be cleaning up while the three kids I have are sleeping because we are having one of our favorite Teams over for dinner and here I sit, thinking that I should, instead, set the porch on fire and start from scratch. I am so very thankful that there are people that can do makeovers for the rest of us to learn from. Right now, however, the only thing that's getting a makeover is me. God continues to refine me and make me more like His precious Son. So, if you come over, you may see my front porch and feel better or worse about yourself. Either way, I hope that when you enter my home you find yourself in a place of grace and that you'll come back.

P.S.
I feel like I must be clear (being misunderstood is an idol of mine...I'm a dirty sinner, I know) I love seeing how people have changed and made their things beautiful. I want to learn from them. Sometimes, I just have to stop surfing and start thanking because what I have is pretty great too.

New Post

For those of you interested, I just posted on my other blog, Harvest Classical Academy...after a really long time. I can't figure out why the comments don't work...but, thought I'd mention it. Have a great day! I'll be back with some cold water as soon as time allows...well, maybe sooner than that!!!

Treats.

"Dad, I'm not quite sure why, but I just don't think it's wise for us to make the trip. I wish we could come, but I just don't think it's best."
This was a conversation I had a couple of months ago regarding flying down to visit my Dad and Pam in Naples. We went as a family last year and we had one of the best vacations ever! So, it was sad when I had to decline an invitation for this year. I told Mike, I just don't know why, but I just don't think it's best. I would have had to fly down with the kids while Mike stayed behind to work. All I knew is that the Lord had said, "Nah." I knew I wouldn't get in "trouble" if we went anyway, but I've been walking with the Lord long enough to know that when I get that "feeling" I should respond appropriately. So, the answer was, "Not this year." Until...

"Ali, Gene and I would really like to have you over for dinner sometime. Just to get to know you a little better."

"We would LOVE that. What nights work best for you?"

"Saturday nights are best, but not this Saturday, we're flying to Naples for the day."

"Oh, my Dad has a place there, it's beautiful...you guys will have such a nice time."

"You should come with us, have lunch with your Dad, we'll be back that night."

It never registered with me that my friend was serious, but I declined because "something in my spirit" just told me it wasn't wise, and that we should wait until next year. As we got into the van to go home (we were in our church library having this conversation) I said, "I wonder how they are going for the day?" Mike said, "Babe, he's a pilot and has his own plane, she probably meant what she said." AHHHH!!!! You mean that God would make a way for me to visit my Dad??? Yes, that is exactly what happened.

To make a long story short, my friend was serious about me flying down with them, having lunch with my Dad and Pam, and then coming home that evening. I was shocked! God has provided for me in great ways ever since I've known Him (and even before then!), but this has probably been my favorite way. You see, I stopped visiting my Dad during my summers in college due to mission trips. As soon as I graduated from college, I became Mrs. Wessner and from then on I haven't visited by myself. I've missed Dad.

As I was trying to figure out why God had nudged me to decline a trip with the kids, it never dawned on me that He was orchestrating a trip that would be so much sweeter. The trip down was full of precious fellowship with new friends that have been walking with God longer and more passionately that I have. Lunch with Dad and Pam was overlooking the bay with a sweet smelling breeze tickling my nose. The food was delicious, but it was wonderful to be with Dad and Pam, by myself, for the first time in a long time. We did a bit of shopping and I got to be an only child for a day! Dad said that was what the day was about, letting me see what it is like to be an only child! We laughed...but I liked it! I love being a part of a big family, but I really enjoyed the time alone.

We are members of a large body. However, I don't know that any of us spend enough time with our Father. That day was a reminder of how good it feels to be a child, in the presence of my Dad.

"For you did not receive a spirit that makes you a slave again to fear, but you received the Spirit of sonship. And by him we cry, 'Abba, Father.' " Romans 8:15

Worms.

"Do not fear, you worm Jacob, you men of Israel; I will help you," declares the LORD, "and your Redeemer is the Holy One of Israel. Isaiah 41:14

"But I am a worm and not a man, scorned by men and despised by the people." Psalm 22:6


"Rachel, are you sure these aren't going to crawl out and get into my van?"

"Yes, I'm sure. Worms don't like the light, they crawl down into the dirt to get away from it. See, you can't even see them anymore. You'll be fine."

So, today, I read two chapters of Farmer Boy, one chapter of David Livingstone, did a spelling lesson, a language lesson, made lunch and picked up some worms. Yup, worms. The Wessner's are goin' green! Mike and I have two gardens and we wanted to compost. To be honest, I'm more excited about composting than the gardens because I really have come to despise throwing away food. (I don't know how many times my children have heard me say, "Eat up. Daddy and I have seen the starving children of Africa!) In fact, I was taking our food out to the "dump tree" just because I felt like maybe the deer could eat it and it wouldn't be wasted. So, we (I mean Mike) researched composters and the pros and cons of all of the models and we settled on worms. I actually like the idea because I think the kids will learn alot and I understand that worm "castings" make the best soil. So, worms it is! The composter came yesterday and so I went and picked up the worms today.

My dear friend dug them for me. She's way more like Caroline Ingalls than I am. (Oh how I long to be Caroline!) I do not like my hands to be dirty. I don't even like to handle frozen blueberries for long because it makes my nails look bad. Vain. I know. I don't like slugs, snails, worms, snakes, centipedes...I could go on. My point is this...I'm stretching.

Please remember that I have 4 children on a daily basis. They were all in the van while I was getting the worms. Some of them had escaped their seats and were moving freely about the cabin, while one stuck one was screaming, "I want out!" So, I got everyone buckled in and the words that kept repeating in my head, besides, "Ali, you are doing so good. DO NOT STOP FOR A CAPPUCINO BLAST AND MUNCHKINS. No temptation has seized you...no temptation has seized you..." were Rachel's words, "Worms don't like the light. They crawl away from it." I vaguely remembered David's words in the Psalms when he compares himself to a worm. While looking for that verse I found the verse in Isaiah where God uses the word to describe the men of Israel. He uses this word, according to my study note, as a reference to their feeble and despised condition in exile.

Romans 3:10:11 states, "As it is written, 'There is no one righteous, not even one, there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.'" It goes on with more good news about our wretched condition, but I'd like to use 1 John 1:5 to remind us what God is, "This is the message we have heard from him and declare to you: God is light; in Him there is no darkness at all."

When I put these two verses together I can only rejoice that because I don't seek Him, because I am prone to crawl away from Light...He brought the Light to me.

"When Jesus spoke to the people, he said, 'I am the light of the world. Whoever follows me will never walk in darkness, but will have the light of life.'" John 8:12

So, that's what I'd like to do. Take the Light to those who are prone, as I am, to crawl away from it. Doing this with the sincere hope that they will also, as I have, have the "Light of life."