Friday, November 5, 2010

A Heartbeat.

“Hey Mrs. Wessner, we got your numbers here and where they should double every 48-72 hours, yours actually dropped a little bit.” Hm. I thought this might happen. Not because it ever has, but because I know it can. I am resolved to follow Jesus Christ with no question, so I bravely ask, “So, what should I do?” She responds that I will be “fit-in” first thing in the morning to be sure that this sweet blessing is “viable.” I told Mike that I was afraid of that and he nods…unmoved. Getting to this point did not come easily for either of us. I have known that someone has been missing, and Mike was slower to believe me. We suffered (rather I suffered) 3 years of self-inflicted infertility. This summer God changed Mike’s heart, and now we were headed to the Dr. for the fourth time to check on our newest treasure.

I had the e-mail written in my head. “Dear Friends, blah blah blah…we were early and we miscarried. God has been faithful and we are sad, but not without hope. We love you….” I just need to be prepared for the worst. So, this morning I awoke early (although I stayed in bed) and finally got moving and took the dog out for our (mostly regular) walk. As I walked up the street in the quiet of the new day I just whispered, “Lord, I just want to know that Your hand is in this.” He very sweetly whispered to me in the solitude of our time, “Ali, My hand is in everything.” “Yes, Sir, thank you. I love that about you!” With great peace I got breakfast ready and got myself ready for the appointment that no mother, with children or not, wants to attend. I just wanted to send a substitute to bear the brunt of the news. Mike left for work so that he could get the morning off to come with me.

Mike got back, Mom arrived, and we headed out the door. A little bit of Andrew Peterson kept me focused and mindful that if I never hold another Wessner baby warm and cozy, God has done incredible things in my family, in my heart and in the heart of my husband. He will be praised no matter what. Of that I am determined. We signed in and had been sitting for less than 5 minutes when I was ushered to the back. I have seen the sonographer many times before, always with great joy. I went ahead and told her that we know that there may not be great news so she didn’t need to pretend. She has apparently endured heartbreak herself and commented about timing and us never being in control…all good things. The impersonal ultrasound began and within a few seconds she says, with confidence, “There’s a little peanut right there with a heartbeat. Look at it flashing.” What! I wasn’t prepared for that. I was shocked, Mike was not. I was thrilled….we were both thrilled. A heartbeat, I even heard it. That never gets old. This is the fourth time a person has taken up residence in my womb and it doesn’t grow old to me. Each time is a treat. Each time a wonder and miracle. This one seems more so than other times. A heartbeat.

“So, the numbers and the random spotting…does a heartbeat trump everything?”

“Yes, a heartbeat trumps everything.”

Indeed it does. I was thinking about this as I was munching in the kitchen trying to decide what I wanted to eat and thought of the Greatest Heartbeat. The steady rising and setting of the sun beating out the Father’s great love in steady rhythms. No matter what is going on, a heartbeat trumps everything. I look around, the seasons finally changing, the trees raising their sparse limbs to their Creator, and one teeny tiny heartbeat trumping all doubt.

Thank you, Jesus for Your heartbeat that trumps anything.


Berry Patch said...

Praise God! In the last week I have had two friends find out they are expecting - one very unexpectedly at that. However, one dear friend miscarried twins. It's a joy & heartbreak roller coaster. But God's hand IS in everything. So very happy you have your new little one growing safe and sound. A heart beat DOES trump everything!

Linda said...

My sweet Ali! I will put you on my daily prayer list. You are SO strong to trust God in this - it's always so scary to let Him lead you...but He showed you His heart, and the beat of the heart for the baby you carry.

I am so excited to be able to see another little Wessner come into this world...

Just His Best said...

You told me this in person, yet reading it still makes me cry! I am excited beyond words for you my friend and am praising the Lord.

Made To Organize said...

my cheeks are soaked with tears of joy. Also this week, my dear cousin who has been trying for two years (and about $40,000) to get pregnant finally got the news she's been begging God for. His heartbeat certainly does trump everything. Bless you and your sweet little peanut.

Dixie said...

Congratulations Ali!
We lost a pregnancy between my boys and I know how a heartbeat can be THE most important thing for several months, especially amidst spotting. I spotted all through my pregnancy with Ethan. I never had with Isaac and I never did with Jaylie. I think it's just how he was sitting or something. But I do know how much more attentive to every tiny thing I was when there are spots involved. Enjoy this long awaited pregnancy and the little person who is being prepared for your family. Can't wait to hear all about your adventure! To God be the glory!

Jo said...

YAY! Congratulations. Your post made me cry I am so happy for you. Big hug!!!

Is ti too early to start playing the name game? ;)

Jaime said...

so excited for you!!!!!!! I have had many of those sessions, some bad news (2 miscarriages)but my one crazy one was when they were about to do a D & C b/c I'd lost mine for 2 wks, when all the sudden they saw some miracle hanging in there! and that's our Madelyn Grace, named that b/c it's by the Grace of God she's here after much prayers of begging!! it was a roller coaster. soooo happy for yall.