Saturday, February 12, 2011
This is Ella...Ella, Ella, Ella
"And then what are we going to do? Will we skip naps today? How many days is that? Will you be there? Will we have dessert? What is dessert? What is dinner? Do I have to eat it? How much? What does that mean? I don't know what you are talking about!" On and on it goes. I'm not quite sure why, but Ella gets anxious when she doesn't have all of the information. It drives me nuts. I find myself saying, all the time, "Ella, honey, you are just going to have to trust me." I actually find it offensive that she won't simply walk in faith. Just enjoy the day. You are 4 years old and life is good.
Today was a beautiful day here. We don't live in the Arctic, so we don't love cold weather. Our winter has been colder than usual, and this warmth is so good for us. It's one thing if you sign up to live in a cold place...but I didn't. I sweat..I don't love cold. Today everyone got outside, even Sonny. Mike was working with our neighbor to split a large tree stump and the kids roamed around and played on our neighbor's play set and trampoline. Man it was nice! As Ella was getting off the trampoline she started, "Are we going to skip naps? I can't be still and close my eyes. Can I just read a book? What if I can't close my eyes." It was such a lovely day. Why would she even concern herself with nap when we hadn't even eaten lunch yet! I just looked at her. "Ella, you are going to have to trust me." Please.
I know that there are mothers that are better than me. They have it more together and can pull of washing, drying, folding and putting laundry away on the same day. Sometimes, not as often as in the past, but I forget to brush my teeth. I'm also not ashamed to say that today, in my neighbor's yard, my sweatpants and long sleeved t-shirt were also my pajamas last night! I don't have it all together, but you know one thing I do...I think for my children. I think for them and I plan for them and I love them immensely. I do not look for a snake pit to dump them in. I feel like my record of care should speak for itself (besides the fact that Ella wasn't eating enough around 9-10 mos...we rectified that as soon as we realized it!). I feel like they should be able to simply check my record and believe that all will be well. That my care may be crazy at times, but they are never, ever, in danger. Ever. I adore them.
I have been really paralyzed lately. I feel like the Lord has been stirring things inside of us and we don't know what to do with them. I want to know the answers and I want to know them 5 minutes ago. I want to know if we should move or stay or sell all and live in a hut in Sub-Saharan Africa (remember I don't do cold!). I find myself worried and not believing...just like Ella. If I were to challenge God's record I would not find a blemish. Each and every time I have heard, listened, and obeyed His voice, I have never ended up in a pit of snakes. I have never been painfully disappointed or injured in any way. Never. Why would he start now? Is He a man that He should lie or a son of man that He should change His mind? Does He speak and then not act? Does He promise and not fulfill? Um...no. Why would He start now? Why can't I just enjoy this beautiful day? He is a good God...an excellent Father. I really want to relax. I know that by His spirit and because of His Son, I can...and I will. No more questions. For now...